Why Is The Grass Always Greener?

/

You're familiar with the phrase, "The grass is always greener on the other side," yes? Well sometimes it can feel like that's actually a true statement. Seeing what other people have and comparing it to what you don't have is almost an everyday ordeal. This is especially true with the rise of social media and it's ubiquity in our lives. But why do we feel this way so often?

Randall L. Shultz, professor at the University of Iowa talks in his paper, The Role of Ego in Product Failure about ego involvement, which is us presenting a project or product to the world as an extension of ourselves. This makes us much more inclined to be attached to the product as well as having more to lose if and when the product fails. Ego involvement means there are increased "threats to one's self identity, feelings of importance, personal status, and self esteem," if that product is received critically or performs poorly. If our product fails that's a reflection on us and our sense of worth and means we have failed.

This same concept can be applied to how we present ourselves to the world. Our "product" is the presentation of ourselves and a successful, put together life. We perform our lives every day whether or not we know it. How we dress, talk, act, etc. are all reflections of the life we live. If one of those facets are criticized or called into question, we suddenly feel attacked and our ego is threatened. When we see others present their lives as seemingly more successfully than our own, we become dissatisfied with our lives, as we see what could be for us. That creates a loss aversion mindset that makes us feel as if we could and should be doing more to live a better life. 

Social media's exponential rise in ubiquity has made this phenomenon increase tenfold. Before, "keeping up with the Jones's" just meant us comparing ourselves to our neighbors. The neighbors got a new car so we get a new car. The neighbors got a washing machine so we get a new washing machine. The neighbors got a new dog - you get the picture. Now however, we're not comparing ourselves to just our neighbors but literally the entire world. The internet has connected us on such an intimate level that our lives are now subject to criticism by an astoundingly larger population, and therefore can be criticized on a substantially higher level.

Not only this, but when we see other peoples' lives and how great they are, we start to compare that to our own lives. In a previous post about technology and love, I talk about how people only post the good parts of their relationships so we become disillusioned with our own rather quickly. This is also true of all other aspects of our lives. If I see posts of people going to parties, traveling to amazing places, and having SO much fun with their friends who are all well dressed and attractive, I start to feel like all of my posts about food are stale and boring, thus causing me to have this longing to do, see, and experience more. I start to feel like my life, as I’m presenting it, isn't what it should or could be. However I don't see posts of those very same people going through financial hardships, dealing with family problems, or having body image issues, all of which are definitely still happening because everybody has their own problems. But people don't post the negative things about their lives because that would be a poor reflection on their identities. 

Shultz also talks about the idea of selective perception. Similar to confirmation bias, we selectively perceive our lives to be not as good as other peoples' lives. We do this by being more aware of and paying attention to what we don't have, while disregarding and giving less weight to what we do have. We as humans are always wanting and seeking out more. This is actually a very visceral part of the human condition and can be quite useful. Back in the day when we were hunting and scavenging we needed to always search for and find more when it came to food, because we didn't know when our next meal would be. If we didn't find any food for a long time we would starve to death. Because of evolution, those structures in our brain still exist, and now since we can get food for like a dollar and don't have to worry as much about when our next meal will be for the most part, food has translated into social capital, that is, friends, good times, and noteworthy experiences. Social capital is a form of status for us. The higher the status we have, the less we have to worry about our egos being threatened and losing that status by performing a "less well-lived life". 

So is the grass always greener? As we perceive it yes! When we can control the grass we let other people see, invariably it's going to look much greener to others than if they saw the entire lawn. When we only see other people having awesome experiences, we inevitably perceive that we've been giving the short stick and feel we could be doing something more. In turn meaning we're missing out on awesome experiences of our own. This arguably could make us strive to live our lives to the fullest, in fear of not presenting "greener grass" to the rest of the world and thus threatening our egos.

But, that is not to neglect the fact that we have perfectly good lives. We need to start focusing more on what we have, than what we don't. Instead of worrying about not looking as attractive as Instagram models or not traveling as much as all your friends, focus on the fact that you have a loving family who cares for you, or a good job with a steady income. When we do that, we become substantially more satisfied and happy with our lives. Not to mention there's virtually no mutual exclusivity between wanting to have good, noteworthy experiences and being happy with our lives how they are. We can in fact both want to travel to exciting new places and be satisfied with our lives. As the American author Robert Fulghum puts it, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. The grass is greener where you water it. 

Thank you for reading this week's Brain Food! If you have any feedback for me, feel free to leave a like or a comment. Alternatively you can email me any questions or criticisms directly by sending your email to brainfood@brainfoodblog.com.